I’ve been thinking a lot about how many of us are programmed to always be doing what we ‘should be doing’ rather than what we actually want to be doing. I went on a cleaning rampage on Friday night, since Chris has been sick and I really didn’t want to catch it. So I woke up Saturday morning, mentally thinking about all of the things I needed to cross off my to do list before we went to visit his family in the afternoon. And it struck me, I’m always, always thinking about what the next thing I NEED to do is. I’m very rarely thinking about what I want to do. Or just doing something for the sake of doing it. I have at least 4 books stacked up on my night stand that I’ve started but just haven’t had the time to finish. Not to mention a whole other shelf of unread books… though my book hoarding issue is a topic for another blog. I have a pile of magazines that I want to read. I’ve been wanting to watch some movies that I haven’t seen in a long time. I have had ideas for blog posts in my head for weeks.
But what have I been doing instead? I’ve been worried about the messy house, obsessing about spending the weekends cleaning it up…even when we have no one coming over to visit. I’ve spent and abysmal amount of mindless time on social media as compared to what I used to be doing. I’ll fall into the trap of occasionally watching whatever’s on TV…although watching the majority of Mr. Holland’s Opus last weekend made me very happy. The point is…probably mainly in the wake of not feeling well over the last several weeks, I’ve turned myself into To Do Lists and mindlessness. I think in some ways it’s a coping mechanism. Having chronic health problems can be so physically and emotionally wearing. But I really think I need to find my way back into doing more for just me. Not more things that I HAVE to do. Not more obligations. But just things that I want to do, without judging or feeling guilty.
So, I promise to spend more time: reading books and magazines, watching something because I want to watch it, searching and on Pinterest because I enjoy it, baking just because, going for walks, writing in all forms – Blogs, Journaling, and perhaps some fiction as well. Laying in my bed with Bertie and on rare occasions Chris when he’s home listening to the morning birds for longer than I “should”. It’s these things that make life happy. In the midst of health issues, uncertainty, future plans and chaos…I’ve REALLY gotta remember this. It’s time to stop “shoulding” and just DO.