Sometimes I am amazed at what a better place I am in now than I was just a few months ago. Most of it due to medical problems that forced me to make some serious cuts and lifestyle adjustments. (another story for another post) But I think it’s also just knowing that somehow things will work out. Chris and I are finally on the path that we want to be on and that makes the most sense for us. Am I scared to be a mom? SURE. Do I have moments of sheer terror or “how the hell are we gonna do this?” But I also know that it will be fulfilling in a way that no corporate career could be for me. I am perfectly capable of excelling at a corporate office job. I’ve done it. But over the course of the last 6 months, I discovered it was not what was fulfilling for me. Medical issues forced me to look even harder at this than I probably would have. Otherwise I probably would’ve continued plodding along…losing myself in the process. Answering to someone else, and working within sometimes chaotic, sometimes downright unfair/unethical structures that don’t help people (or kids) or better the world just didn’t work for me. I can do marketing. I get it, and I’m a good writer so I can ‘do’ it. But it absolutely doesn’t bring me joy. Chris was impressed by my most recent piano student ad…and I’m like yeah, well, I did spend the last 3 years in marketing…so I can do it. And it took me a while to really accept that while I ‘can’ do it, I certainly don’t want to and it’s okay to not want to. But if you are going to spend potentially 2,080 hours of your year in a place (if you’re working full time)…don’t you want it to bring you some joy?
Granted, I count myself lucky that things happened to work out the way that they did…(well maybe lucky is the wrong word) but that my health and reaction to the nasty side effects of birth control forced me into a place where I had to reexamine and evaluate what I was doing. I’m also incredibly thankful that I have a husband with a good job that allows my work to be more flexible and family friendly.
And sure, financially it wasn’t (still isn’t) easy. But even with the financial stress…I am so much happier and calmer than I was 6 months ago…. and especially than just a few months ago. Chris and I together are happier, not snapping at each other and are spending much more quality time together than we did before.
So what does the future of working me look like? I am not so sure yet. But I have figured some things out over these past months. I love helping people, and especially helping kids. I missed teaching piano lessons so much. My old studio of kids became like family to me, and I am excited to be building up another family of kids. Those of you who are my facebook friends have seen my posts over the past few weeks about what a joy it is to be back doing this. I love taking on some of my old students, and I love meeting the new ones.
I think the reason I love this so much, is sharing the love of music at such a young age for kids can be the stepping stone for whether they continue music in the future. The foundation, really. I truly believe that if kids have a loving, kind and supportive piano teacher at a young age, they are more likely to want to continue with music in future years. And being that music and band had a significant impact on me as an adolescent and into early adulthood…gaining lifelong friendships…music people were just always ‘my people.’ So if I can provide the foundation for a child to have that in the future, then that makes me happy. That fulfills me.
I also realize that I love reading and writing. But I don’t love writing when it’s forced and marketing writing. So I’m sure writing will play some role in what I do. But the creative side of it. If writing and kids can go together, all the better, too! That creative writing degree will get used, somehow.
Post-pregnancy I will also go back to teaching zumba (and probably get certified for zumbatomic – zumba for kids). I do miss zumba, currently. But my body is busy building a baby, so for now it’s walking and maybe some prenatal yoga.
I’m also taking some early childhood education units at the community college…perhaps to work at a preschool eventually…or just to supplement and enhance my piano teaching. Side note…it’s very strange going back to community college after earning a bachelor’s! And while the lessons sometimes seem very basic, reading the material and discussing the situations, I am finding myself saying ‘yes, this is right!’ and I am not married to any one plan these days. Just doing things that make me happy and work for us and our family, and seeing what happens from there!
And of course – the best job of ALL – being mommy to our new baby coming in February.
Sometimes you really have to go through hell to get to the exact place you’re meant to be.